i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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