Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
i out mim tonsoeep
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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