During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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