Don't make out with my wife yet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
