I cockslap morals
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it because I queefed?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
