Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
