Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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