I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
