Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
