So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
