I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
