i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
