i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
