You made me cry and you don't even care
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
