By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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