would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
