and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
