I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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