my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
