when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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