I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
