i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize