You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
This toilet bowl is my home.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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