I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
