Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
