I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Moan for me like Helen Keller
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
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