We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it's great music for shaving your balls
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Someone came in the potted fern
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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