man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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