I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize