since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
