sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
