I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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