I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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