There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This baby is an asshole
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
