apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize