You really coming over, don't trick.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
