He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
