I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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