Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
