I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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