I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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