yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
