I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Randomize
