Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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