stop calling my apartment porn island.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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