Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
two words: eviction party
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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