weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
