How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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