i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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