So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
