My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
