Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
