my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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