Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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