My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
