"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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