She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
