he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
