decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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