Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
